emerging from a reverie - not like 'waking' from a daydream, but rather like coming up from a long deep-sea dive into a 3rd level of subconsciousness. From the soul - where identity, philosophy, faith, and the more "deep-seated' fears find their home.
It's like emotion, but deeper - a level down from where communication is possible. It's what I'm feeling, but it's deeper than description, or expression, and sometimes even than consciousness.... It is home to introspection - the rawest, most intimate reflections, ponderings, and wrestling. (Is this what the Bible means when it says Mary "treasured these things up and pondered them in her heart"?)
In any case, today, I feel as if I'm emerging from this deep-sea world. Coming up for air - but I've been submerged so long I'd grown accustomed to the crushing pressure. Today I feel release, freedom, and more room to breathe. It's like waking up... the moment you realize you've been sleeping all this time and didn't realize it. That moment when you become conscious of consciousness. It's a stunning and strange revelation
And it usually exists beyond words. But somehow, today, I feel compelled to at least try.
Faith feels different today. Perhaps I am more conscious of it than in weeks and months past. Perhaps it emerged from those greater depths to the realm of feeling. Maybe that's what's weird - I FEEL it. I don't usually. Today there is emotion attached to the idea, and it can only be described as peaceful - comforting, loved, validated, with purpose.
Does this change in feeling come from recent events - meeting with Kayley, talk of new employment ideas, revisiting the past to rediscover strengths and skills and, more importantly, the confidence that those things may actually hold weight in the professional world and not just in my unspoken hopes.
Or is it in part due to the long coversation currently being had amongst friends on FB about the quality and qualifiers of "Christian media", in which I made the assertion that "The Truth isn't under glass, so let's explore it - and let others do so too." Without driving there, my typing brought me to the place where I discerned Truth as a concept from Truth as a person - a living, breathing, tangible, thing with which to actively exchange energies. And isn't that what faith, really, is supposed to be? Alive and active (even when we are not)? If faith is a gift of God, as Scripture says, than could it be that it isn't reliant upon my allegiance or even participation on a daily basis - it is still mobile, breathing, and REAL. Perhaps this recent sense of awakening comes from rediscovering that this thing called faith has a beating heart - and it's apart from my own. How strange and unnnerving and wonderful and freeing it is to be reminded that I can't understand or even control it, yet I can call it my own just the same! What a weird thing - this beating heart of Grace...
Perhaps this sense of "emerging" I feel comes from a letting go - deep inside. Releasing a burden I didn't even realize I bore: the dead weight of Christianity (as a concept and culture and lifestyle) instead of the simple, light, and exciting beating heart...
And also from reminding myself (as I work to update my resume, and met with Kayley regarding career stuff) that I am not defined by my work - whatever that work is/has been. It doesn't define me, and yet the skills built there are valuable. Sanctified, even. And that sanctification and refining gives me purpose. As in "THE" purpose - the whole "God knows the plans He has for you" purpose. I do not yet see direction, but for the first time in a very long while, I can honestly (through all 3 layers of self) say I'm ok with that. And I can also honestly feel (through all 3 layers) that it's coming.
In addition to the old restlessness of mind and body, there is an eagerness building... hope, even. Change is coming - a new job, new home, new relationships, new growth.
That truth has been trapped in the deep-sea of my self for so long - hemmed in by fear and trepidation and seemingly limitless questions.
"There's gotta be another way out. I've been stuck in a cage with my doubt. I've tried forever getting out on my own..." ~ Ashes Remain
Today it feels like that cage is breaking down. Not all at once. Not with any kind of pomp and flair. But the hope - unfettered - is beginning to rise toward the surface. Slow and steady, but with promise and light. And the ascent brings with it another bouyancy - joy.
I feel the simmerings of a reuniting - anticipation and satisfaction - with this old friend. Joy. Somehow I've missed you... it's so nice to see you again. I hope to have you back soon - closer. And for good.
***************
Some other work-and-purpose related musings tonight:
*From Nashville to CHS - the weird and wide span of my career shows, in hindsight, that I've needed toughening. Outwardly, in speech and ego and emotions and frame of mind. I've needed to grow up - and part of it is a toughening of the filter through which I experience work. Some of the raw wounds have healed. Not calloused (God forbid!). But firmed up - in order to make me ready for whatever lies ahead....
*I feel a new sense of sociability. For the first time in years, I'm actually looking forward to finding and building new relationships. Extending myself - even casually. I've been hiding for so long..and in so many ways. I've been lost in the deep sea and it is time, at last, to come up a bit and start swimming with the fishes....
*Do I want to do work that defines me? I want to do work that matters, yes. But matters how? To others - of course! But matters to me too? Do I want to do work on which I can stake a claim of worth, of character, and of identity? Is the whole premise foolish, or just my past attempts in this regard? How deep do I want my work to consume me? Perhaps I need to make a conscious decision on this and proactively set up boundaries within myself as I move forward...
"Cause I become a desparate soul
When Your unfailing love feels far
I need to know You won't let go - through it all
You can have my broken heart
--everything that's left in me--
And I will surrender, surrender...." ~Nine Lashes
Continue to draw me up - out of myself. And towards You. I want to swim towards the Light.
In Jesus' name, amen!
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